Today, my starry-eyed girls and I finally snuck away to see
La La Land.
Wow.
And I cried. Like,
big, ugly-cried. And there were a few guttural sounds
along with the tears. As in, the lady next to me looked as if she was worried
that I was experiencing some sort of random cinematic breakdown. When Emma Stone sang THAT song (if you’ve
seen it, you know the one), I cried hard, because this film is, as it has
accurately been slated, a movie for dreamers, for performers, for artists, for those who are
driven to add beauty to the world. This film brought up something deeply tangled in my belly, a pain and a joy. And I knew my
girls would love it . . . and cry, too.
Here’s why all the sobbing:
I am 42 years old. I have been
singing from my earliest memories. I
have been writing songs (not good ones, mind you, but actual structured songs)
since I was six. I still remember several of them, and have been known to throw out a kitchen performance or two when prompted, just for laughs. There has never been a time that music has
not carried my memories, my goals, my struggles, even my faith. Rejection has been bitter and plentiful over
all these years. Success as the world would define it has been minimal. Quitting has been a frequent refrain. And, at times, being dismissed and
misunderstood seems to have been the backdrop of the whole story.
I know, “cry me a river.”
Well, I did right there in the AMC.
It is only in the last five years or so that I have begun really embracing the way I was “fearfully and wonderfully made” in this respect. Writing music and lyrics was never just a “hobby”
to me. I know that sounds hokey, and
people have often rolled their eyes when I’ve said as much, but music to me was breath and primal communication
and actual being and “how can people not GET this?!”
It still is.
And only now am I beginning to appreciate the weird blessing
it is to carry . . .
-a FIRE (that will probably never burn all that brightly
from a stage)
-a DRIVE (that pushes and pushes and wakes you up at 2am and
gives you crystal-clear focus then drives you absolutely crazy)
-a PASSION (that lives beyond expression, but stirs in the
depths of your atoms)
-an ACHE (because, no matter how much the rejection sears
your outer shell, you can’t seem to shake the need to try, try again)
-a DEEP-BREATH SATISFACTION (that feeling when a piece is finished and
you know it is right and good and that you have been true to your Maker – euphoria)
Because this is WHO you are, not what you do.
And it is a blessing.
And a burden. And only recently
have I come to accept that it is absolutely there for a reason -- not to fulfill my own
ambitions or to make money (heaven knows that seldom happens), but to serve a
sacred purpose.
I have given myself
permission to exist in the weird, to smile at my God through my plethora of
creative tears, because I know he did this on purpose. I truly believe that God kindles these little
fires in certain of his creations from day one. The drive to create – to paint or sing or write screenplays or tell
stories – is woven deep into our DNA . . . and He has declared it “good”.
Sometimes, the Artist loves through His artists.
I pray that my kids will be able to embrace what lies within
them early on, like even now. Bless
their little artistic bents, I pray they will learn to shirk off those who ask
what they “really” want to do for a living and to know that the Almighty
Creator whipped them up special – with a pinch of song & dance, a dash of
color, and a whole heaping helping of emotion – for His glory, to bring
something beautiful from within the confines of their hearts and out into the
cold, ugly, broken world.
So go forth, and be the sunbeam that points back to the source
of all light and warmth.
And when the world misunderstands you, when you are
dismissed and condescended to for your passion, when your friends and family
and churches and seemingly the whole world can find no place for what God has
given you to give, DO NOT STOP. Get back
up and get ready to fall again if you have to. Hone and perfect and be excellent in what you
have to offer. You are a beautiful representation of the Creator who made you –
the world needs you. It needs you!
And I needed this movie.
Here’s to the ones who dream.
